Don’t Be Afraid to Change

As I mentioned in my very first post, I didn’t truly find my faith until my late thirties. But that doesn’t mean it was a sudden epiphany.

Instead, it was gently tugging at me for years. Wondering, questioning, praying without a clear sense of why, wandering into churches on random Sundays but not returning, reading the “Great Thinkers” — these were all symptoms of the tugging of God.

But there was a stalwart barrier preventing me from letting God into my life.

It was fear.

I have not asked other late bloomers about this, but I know that my own journey to Christ was fraught with fears. Worldly fears, that is, because I didn’t understand that my significance was found in God, and God alone.

(c) mrpuen at

(c) mrpuen at

Here are the three primary fears that kept me from changing (my own unholy trinity):

Fear of having my intelligence questioned. We’ve all heard the stereotype that Christians are intellectually challenged because of what they believe. This speaks to the commonly held myth that religion and science are incompatible (but that’s a topic for another blog post).

Several years ago, I was close to someone who said that anyone who is a Christian must be “dumber than a box of rocks.” Because — at the time — I thought my sense of self-worth depended on this person’s approval of me, how could I tell him that I disagreed or that I was curious about Christianity?

I was reading Lee Strobel’s The Case for Christ when the “box of rocks” theory was professed. I was so intimidated by the prospect of being called stupid that I stopped reading it after completing only three chapters (thanks be to God that now I am reading it in its entirety without fear).

Looking back, maybe this person was right about the “box of rocks” theory, just not in the way he intended. God is my Rock, and I would never claim to be as intelligent as Him!

Fear of rejection. This is common for anyone going through a transformation of some sort. We feel that our family and friends have come to expect us to be a certain way, and that is part of the reason they love and accept us. If we change, will they still love us? Or will they reject us because we don’t fit their idea anymore of who we should be?

Remember how I stopped reading The Case for Christ because I was afraid of being called stupid? I didn’t stop there. I was so fearful of being rejected that instead, I began reading Richard Dawkin’s The God Delusion in order to fit a different mold.

I’m not saying we should never read an opposite perspective — it’s helpful and good for the brain to be aware of what others are thinking. But that’s not why I was reading Dawkin’s book. I was reading it out of fear.

Many years later, God taught me that the real delusion I had been harboring was the idea that I needed approval and acceptance from others in order to feel significant. The truth is that our real significance comes from God’s love for us. I also learned that family and friends who truly love a person will continue to love that person, even if they don’t agree with or understand the person’s newfound faith.

Fear of being called a hypocrite. As humans, we are quick to point fingers to the past as evidence that the way a person is now is a betrayal. “You used to be different.” “I remember when you (did or said something that undermines what you now believe).” “You’ve changed.”

It’s one thing to lie about who we are, but it’s quite another to sincerely mean something we say or do at one point in our lives and then grow and change over time into someone who wouldn’t say or do those things now.

And yet, when I found Christ and realized my life was dramatically changing, I feared being called a hypocrite for the inconsistencies that patterned my life over many years.

I think late bloomers are particularly vulnerable to this fear, because the more years you have behind you before finding your faith, the more surprising the transformation appears to others.

Here’s what the Holy Spirit has shown me: There’s no reason to be ashamed of the inconsistencies in your life, because they are part of your story. In fact, looking back at where you’ve been evokes praise and gratitude to God for where you are now.

If you’re a late bloomer, don’t deny where you’ve been. If you do, that would be hypocritical. Instead, embrace your past as part of your ministry to others.

This unholy trinity of fears kept me from changing for a long time. And so, if you’re feeling that tugging that I felt for many years but are afraid to risk changing, I encourage you to not be afraid. Instead, talk to people close to you who are Christian. Ask questions. Read. And most importantly, pray to God that you’d like to get to know Him better.

And then, be sure to listen.

Tolerance of the Intolerant

Yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of my Uncle Brian’s death. Given his love of wine and cheese, I enjoyed a glass of Cabernet with dinner in his honor. But more importantly, I reflected on the lesson he taught me about exercising tolerance of the intolerant.

You might be thinking that he taught me this because he modeled such tolerance himself. However, this was not the case.

In fact, Uncle Brian was one of the less tolerant people I’ve known. While his biases regarding how people spent their time and what they believed were certainly evident, perhaps it was his intolerance of ignorance (as defined by him) that he most fervently expressed.

Nurturing good qualities is like watering a struggling plant. (c) Flavio Takemoto

Nurturing good qualities is like watering a struggling plant.
(c) Flavio Takemoto

Not knowing something he considered important was considered a travesty. An accomplished chemistry professor, he felt that anyone who delved into the “soft sciences” like psychology, history, or philosophy was inferior. And so, as someone with a Ph.D. in psychology, I fit right smack into this inferior bunch. My choice to work in the non-profit sector instead of pursuing a prestigious tenure-track academic career made it even worse.

Needless to say, this intolerance created tension — within our family and within my uncle’s other relationships. It would have been easy to respond to him with my own intolerance for his harsh judgments.

And admittedly, I did sometimes — because, well, I’m human and I’m no better than anyone else on this journey. But when I found my faith, I realized that there was a glaringly simple solution to this struggle.

Jesus taught us to not judge, or we too will be judged (Matthew 7:1). In other words, if we meet another’s intolerance with our own, where does the vicious cycle end?

Another’s intolerance — toward us or someone else — presents an opportunity to practice the one command Christ asked us to follow: Love each other as I have loved you. (John 15:12).

How can we not? As humans, we have failed miserably in our tasks of glorifying God, caring for each other, and caring for the planet and creatures that He created.

And yet, He forgave us. How can we not pay this forward and forgive each other? How could I refuse to tolerate Uncle Brian’s shortcomings when Jesus has graciously and undeservedly forgiven mine?

The other lesson I see embedded in Christ’s command is to choose to see the good in each other. Isn’t that part of loving one another? And despite my uncle’s intolerance, he had boundless good within him.

He deeply loved his family. He was funny and smart. He cared about his friends and was a master of hospitality. He tended the most vibrant vegetable garden of any I’ve seen. He made a mean mint julep and rendered horse racing an exact science. He was sentimental. He felt deep emotions — including joy and regret — and knew on some level that he was flawed just like the people he judged, even though he couldn’t always admit it.

And because of all of these things — the good and the bad — he was human, just like the rest of us.

By choosing to focus on Uncle Brian’s good qualities, I nurtured tolerance for his intolerance.

It seems that when we do this, the good in others is nurtured also. Perhaps this is because when we pay attention to something, we water it like a struggling plant. And the things we choose to water will be the things that grow.

As my faith has deepened over time, so has my capacity to be tolerant of the intolerant. I’m not saying it isn’t hard. I’m human, and I certainly fail my share of the time.

But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try.

So thank you, Uncle Brian, for continuing to be a consummate teacher, even now. You taught me well.

On Deer, Demons, and Staying Thirsty

It was shaping up to be a pretty rough day. Not because of an illness, an accident, or other recognizable misfortune.

It was simply because of the demons that began haunting my mind.

“You’re not productive enough.”

“You haven’t reached your potential.”

“You’re such a disappointment.”

“You’re inadequate as a wife, as a writer, as a teacher.”

“As a person.”

Mind you, these words didn’t come from anyone else. My husband lovingly tells me the opposite of these declarations daily. My family loves and supports me. I have wonderful friends.

That’s why I call these intrusive thoughts demons. I know they are not true, but they try to take over my brain against my will, seemingly on a whim when they are wanting to stir up trouble.

We need to stay thirsty like the deer. (c) National Park Service

We need to stay thirsty like the deer.
(c) National Park Service

They say that Satan seeks to create division among us and between us and God. Maybe these thoughts are his minions at work.

And so, I had resigned myself to a rough day, because I had been there before. Distractedly, I poured myself a cup of coffee and gazed out the window.

That’s when I saw him.

A deer — a large buck with an impressive rack of antlers — was lying in the snow just beyond our fence. He looked peaceful…almost majestic. We often see deer wandering in the wooded lot out back, but this deer was special.

The words came out of my mouth before I had time to think about them. I spoke them out loud to an empty house:

“You’re so beautiful, and you don’t even know it.”

I remember wishing the deer could hear me. And then I suddenly realized that this precious sighting happened on purpose.

What I wanted the deer to know is what God wants us to know about ourselves.

We are all beautiful inside, but most of us don’t know it — at least, not all the time. We need to put our demons to rest and start trusting the truth of God’s Word about who we really are.

I couldn’t help but search His Word to explore why He might have used a deer to send me this crucial message right when I needed to hear it:

He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. (Psalms 18:33)

That He did. It wasn’t going to be such a rough day after all. And when those demons come to haunt me again, I know exactly what I’ll do:

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. (Psalms 42:1)

In this world full of criticisms and comparisons, we are so vulnerable to harsh self-judgments that make us feel ugly inside. But this is only what our demons want us to believe to draw us away from God and further into lies and despair.

But we are thirsty; we are panting for the truth. Blessedly, the truth is there for us to find.

And as I witnessed that morning, if we seek it, it finds us in the most unexpected places.

Ashes on Her Forehead, Egg on My Face

During Ash Wednesday worship last night, a memory fueled my appreciation for this holy day. But it’s not the kind of memory you might expect.

It happened 15 years ago, but I remember it vividly. The class was “Ecological Psychology” — one of the many pithy, arduous courses I took to earn my Ph.D. from Indiana University. Grinding through Year Three, I was spent.

Living on coffee and Cheez-Its, my brain seemed only to hold — and care about — information that would help me survive and succeed. And so, on that cool March evening when we gathered for class, the idea that anyone else there actually had a life was the furthest thing from my mind.

When Laurie (name changed) sat down, I saw a strange smudge on her forehead. It looked like perhaps she had gotten her face dirty somehow and didn’t realize it. Or, maybe it was a bruise from an injury. It was hard to tell. But hey, I thought I’d better inquire about it out of concern.

“What happened to your forehead?” I asked.

I know what you’re thinking: “Oh no…no, you didn’t, Carrie. Please say you didn’t.”

But I did.

Laurie’s eyes widened in an expression that seemed to be a hybrid of shock and irritation. “It’s Ash Wednesday!” she chided.

(c) Scott Air Force Base

(c) Scott Air Force Base

Feeling a wave of confusion and embarrassment wash over me, I had to think fast. “Oh! Of course. I’m sorry, Laurie — I’ve been so stressed out lately that I forgot what day it is.”

Her face softened a little, but not a lot. She looked at me differently after that night.

What I had done was bad enough, but the reason behind it was even worse. You see, although it might have seemed like I was just a stressed out, distracted graduate student, the truth went much deeper:

I had no idea what Ash Wednesday was.

Sure, I had seen it on the calendar. I had some vague notion that it was related to Easter somehow. But no one had ever explained it to me, I had never been exposed to it, and — regrettably — I had never asked. Keep in mind, I was 28 years old when this happened.

You don’t know what you don’t know. I have ached over this truth ever since discovering Christ because if I had known what I didn’t know, I surely would have asked. But we can’t agonize over how things could have been.

Looking back, graduate school was a blinding experience because I lived within an academic culture that taught that one’s significance was found in the prestige that came from earning a Ph.D. at a top research university, presenting among esteemed colleagues in the field, and publishing scientific articles in impressive journals.

In other words, we were taught to find our self-worth through our professional accomplishments and the approval of others who were deemed “important.”

Admittedly, I was seduced by this idea and, for awhile, I participated in it. And so I never sought to find out what I didn’t know about Christ.

No wonder I never asked about Ash Wednesday. I hadn’t a clue that the smudge I saw was a cross, or that the truth it represented was about repentance and renewal.

Now, through a great deal of God-searching (as opposed to soul-searching, which seems to focus too much on the self and not enough on our Creator), I’ve discovered that my significance doesn’t come from worldly things like what’s on my resume or who approves of me according to their own definitions of success.

Instead, my significance comes from the truth that God loves me, that I am His child, and that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:14)

Knowing this has made all the difference. It has transformed my life and continues to do so every day.

And so, as a late bloomer, I participated in Ash Wednesday worship with the memory of Laurie close by. I smiled when I realized that perhaps we both had strange smudges on our foreheads last night.

If I ever see her again, I will tell her that ashes on my forehead feel a lot nicer than egg on my face.

I have a feeling that she would smile too.